Corrupting The Heart of The Scooby Gang
by jaded316
Summary: Set after "Dirty Girls"*Finished* Will Xander get the peace he so desperately wants?And if he does what price does he pay? How could u guys think I made Xander a bad guy? I feel insulted!Thanks 4 the reviews guys! Luv U!Please R/R!!Love Jaded316
1. Aftermath

Title: Corrupting the Heart of The Scooby Gang Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters but if I did then I would treat them a lot better than their current owner Joss Whedon. Why did you have to do that to Xander? Just joking Mr. Whedon.please don't have me taken out. I know all you need to make is one call and. Feedback: PLEASEEEEEE with vamp dust sprinkled on top. Spoilers: Major Spoilers can be found in every nook and cranny. Summary: Set after "Dirty Girls". Xander's thoughts as he is still unconscious after the battle. Can he still be the goofy Xander we all now and love or will this be the breaking point for the "Heart" of the Scoobies?  
  
Corrupting The Heart  
  
Of The Scooby Gang  
  
-Great beauty, great strength, and great riches are really and truly of no great use; a right heart exceeds all. -Ben Franklin  
  
Xander's POV:  
  
"So you are the one who sees things. Well, let's see what we can do about that."  
  
Then all I can remember is searing pain as his thumb glided into my eye like a hot knife into a stick of butter. I am suddenly dropped to the ground, not sure of whom exactly saved me from the completion of my impending fate. The only thing I am aware of is the blood pouring from my eye sockets now that the eye isn't there at all.  
  
Here in the hospital, surrounded by the potentials that were barely able to survive, I keep having flashbacks of this evening's events. As I slip in and out of consciousness, I remember the argument between myself, Willow, Giles and Buffy. We didn't believe that an attack so soon was the wisest thing. Buffy refused to listen, determined to take back whatever it was that Caleb had of hers. I decided to dismiss my doubts, certain that Buffy was doing what she thought best for the mission. Beside, after all these years she hasn't let me down.yet.  
  
I remember the stirring speech I gave the potentials on Buffy's behalf. Thinking back to what I told them I realize that I told them half- truths. Yes, Buffy does care about all of us, but as the Slayer she is ready and willing to let any of us die. Her first priority is the mission, as it were with every Slayer before her. I had the gall to tell these girls that they shouldn't doubt Buffy knowing full well that I myself had problems with the plan. How ironic that I decided to blindly follow her into battle and for that, lose an eye.  
  
I don't relish waking up. True, Willow will be there and I want to reassure her that I am fine, even if it is a lie, but what I don't want to see is the casualties. The broken spirits and broken bones of the girls. But what I especially don't want to see is the cold emotionless eyes of Buffy. Watching as she draws into herself, shutting out her friends and family.  
  
Through her hastiness and stubbornness, we have not only lost friends, but also fighters who we can ill afford to lose in this war. She has lost the confidence and trust of the girls who were fortunate to survive and has lost my loyalty. Funny how it took my losing an eye to see things more clearly. I was a fool to believe in Buffy so much. Slayer or not she can be wrong from time to time and as I reflect I realize she's wrong quite a bit.  
  
That's okay. She breaks my heart to go sleep with vampires then sends me into battle unprepared to lose an eye. Whatever. I'll just go back to being plain old goofy Xander. Maybe I can make some nifty pirate jokes when I get my eye patch and act like nothing's wrong.  
  
Here in my head I am alone with MY demons.Until now.  
  
"Let thy discontents be thy secrets. If the World knows them 'twill despise thee and increase them." replied Buffy/The First  
  
Now The First wants to keep me company.  
END  
R/R Please Feedback is chicken soup for the soul.  
  
Love, Jaded316 


	2. Reason or Emotion

Title: Corrupting The Heart of The Scooby Gang Disclaimer: Still don't own them. Feedback: Yes, Please. Summary: Last chapter of the story. I think. I'm not sure if I want 2 continue or not. If the reviews ask me continue then probably. Will Buffy/The First seduce Xander to the "dark side"?  
  
A/N: Thanks to all of those who reviewed. And to adhs: Xander doesn't have a new power. It's a reference to a speech Xander gave Dawn in "Potential." In the episode, Xander helped her deal with not being a potential by telling her she didn't need superpowers to be helpful.  
  
Chapter 2:  
  
Xander's POV:  
"My poor, dear Xander." Cooed Buffy/The First. "Reduced to an expendable factor in Buffy's life. Just like all the others."  
  
I now find myself in my room at Buffy's house. A realistic hallucination that I'm not sure if my mind created or The First. While here my mind can't help but wonder if the potentials would have listened to my riveting speech about Buffy if they knew of the impure thoughts I had about them early. My musings are interrupted by the realization that The First is in here trying to talk to me as I lie in my bed trying to ignore her. I will not let my emotions get the best of me. My newfound bitterness towards Buffy will not consume me and it will NOT jeopardize the fate of the world.  
  
"My virtuous Alexander," fawned Buffy/The 1st softly, with warmth in her eyes. A far cry from the real Buffy. "You tried so hard to please Buffy. Not even as a friend were you good enough for her." She says as she moves to stand at the side of my bed.  
  
My actual given name sounds like venom to my ears and her words burn like acid but the warmth in those big brown eyes makes it nearly impossible to turn away. Still trying to tune her out I remain silent and close my remaining eye.  
  
Buffy/The 1st moves to sit down on my bed and I involuntarily tense up. She sighs and takes my hand in hers but I still refuse to look at her.  
  
"Alexander," she says as if reprimanding a small child. " a wise man once said, " The Way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason." And seeing as Caleb has permanently shut your "Eye of Reason" due to the incompetence of your leader, try having faith in me." Buffy/The 1st ended in a smile that was way too happy for Buffy face.  
  
"And why would I betray my friends?! For revenge against Buffy!? Even if I do blame her do you really think I'm ready to condemn the world because of it?! And willingly betray Willow?" I seethe while darting open my eye. My voice has so much bitterness in it I hardly recognize it as my own.  
  
"See? There you are looking at things through reason." Replies Buffy/The 1st in her forever-superior tone. "What is it that you hate about Buffy the most? How is it that after all these years you find yourself questioning your loyalty?"  
  
I keep my mouth shut but my look speaks volumes. In it speaks years of bitterness, heartache, and jealousy that have been building up ever since I first saw Buffy with Angel.  
  
"That's what I thought." Sneered Buffy/The 1st, all signs of warmth now replaced by a seemingly endless supply of evil and hate. "You hate her for her inability to show her emotions. Because she feels more comfortable with the dead than you. Don't you see Alexander? She made you feel like you weren't worthy enough for your love when actually it was her who wasn't worthy of your loyalty and friendship." Cried Buffy/The 1st with almost a pleading sound in her voice.  
  
I look at her, tears threatening to spill from my eye. I feel a great heaviness in my heart realizing that everything she said is right. I gave everything I could to Buffy but it still couldn't break the icy surface of her heart.  
  
"My poor Alexander." Says Buffy/The 1st as she cups the side of my face where I have been forever maimed while fighting for Buffy. As soon as she does this, a single red blood tear escape from beneath my bandage. "You don't have to be like Buffy and hide your emotions. Put your faith in me." Implored Buffy/The 1st.  
  
As she leaned down toward my face, I felt the rest of my resolution dissolve. And although I was sealing my fate I knew this was all I ever wanted. To be close to Buffy.  
And with a kissed I sealed my damnation.  
"Oh thank God." Sighed a very relieved Willow. "He's waking up." She said to the very tired looking faces of Giles and Dawn. "Wills, G-Man, Dawn sup?" I joked in a groggy voice. As I proceeded to make pirate jokes, in the corner of the dark room I barely made out the silhouette of Buffy. She was as drawn in and unemotional as ever. At that moment I found myself filled with extreme bitterness and hate. Willow must have noticed my change in mood because she interrupted my hateful thoughts. "Xander are you okay you seem a bit distant?" questioned a concerned Willow. I began to feel sorry for turning against Willow but there's too much pain and hate my heart to pretend like everything is like it used to be. "Yeah, I'm okay." I reply with a small, gentle smile. "Just paying closer attention to my emotions." My grin became bigger at her bewildered look.  
THE ACTUAL END. I THINK  
R/R Please It's chicken soup for the soul  
  
Love, Jaded316 


	3. X2 in theatres in 10 days!

Disclaimer: Woe is me. I still don't own Spike. And I also don't own The X- Men but in fan fiction I can rent them. That'll have to do until I get my Spike and Toad action figures in the mail.  
  
A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! You guys made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. For all of you looking for a strictly serious fanfic sorry. I thought it was getting a bit bland so I shook things up. Don't worry angst will be in the next chapter, but I'll like sprinkling in a little humor.  
Xander's POV:  
It's been two days since I've woken up from Buffy's battle/ass kicking. The doctor has finally released me, but when I arrive at Buffy's house I almost wish I were still in the hospital. The shattered spirits of the girls were etched onto their faces. You could see the fatigue and hopelessness in their eyes. I visibly cringe as I realize how much their expressions look like Buffy's. Cold and lost. Willow must have noticed because she puts her hand on my shoulder for morale comfort and support. As soon as they notice I'm there, their eyes become sorrowful for my loss yet accusing for defending Buffy's half-assed plan.  
  
When I look at these girls the ice around my heart can't help but melt a little and question if I can truly align myself with The First. Could I really betray the world to get back at Buffy? I can't blame the potentials for feeling some animosity towards me. Hell, I'm mad at myself for actually believing all the things I told them. Now that I've had some time to think without any visits from Buffy/ The First, I really don't think I can betray the world. Betray Dawn, Anya, and Willow, my best friend since Kindergarten.  
  
Ever since Jesse died, I have been right by Buffy's side, fighting the good fight. Now, after all these years, I'm contemplating joining forces with the embodiment of all the evil in the world. It's amazing how losing an eye can change someone's point of view so much.  
Apparently, Buffy hasn't shown her face here since the massacre at the vineyard. Her appearance at the hospital when I woke up was the first time the others saw her since the battle, and the last. She couldn't even bring herself to look into the faces of the surviving potentials. Some leader. Can't even admit when she makes a mistake. Lucky for the potentials, Faith has pretty much stepped up to fill Buffy's place. She doesn't particularly like the role of "Leader", though. She always been the "Rogue", but the girls seem to like and trust her, which is a lot further than Buffy ever got.  
"Hey Xander, are you okay?" asked Dawn's tentative voice stirring me out of my revere. I don't blame her though. I've been sitting in the living room brooding like the deadboy in L.A. for a good half an hour. "Oh yeah." I reply with a small smile. "Just thinking. I was wondering if we could manage to save the world just in time to see X-Men 2 when it comes out." Okay good. That gets a smile. No reason to suspect Goofy Xander. Unfortunately, that sparks a lively conversation with Dawn, Andrew, and some of the potentials. And as the one who initiated it, I have to be in the conversation, too. " I can't believe Toad won't be in the sequel." Sulked Willow. "Yeah, that Ray Park is mighty fine. I wish he really had that tongue." Quipped Faith. Anya smiled in agreement and disturbingly enough so did Andrew. "Oooooooooookkkkkkkkaaayyyyy." I say as I move as FAR away from Andrew as possible while still sitting in my chair. Spike comes in and says that he's a Wolverine fan. Now how can I hate him????? I feel like someone just took my best friend away.  
  
As we continued our conversation and I continued with my eternal battle a bone chilling gust filled me down to my very soul.  
Buffy walked in......  
I know its short people but R/R It's STILL chicken soup for the soul. 


	4. Choosing Sides

A/N: Okay my pathetic try at comedy has been noted and I will no longer try to mix my angst with humor. I plan on writing one more chapter after this but I'll stop if you guys think I should.  
Xander's POV:  
What was once a lively room, beginning to fill with warmth, became as dead as a morgue. The tension was unbearable and that terrible feeling of hatred and anger that I felt before raged inside of me at the sight of my old friend.  
"Hey guys." A visibly detached Buffy greeted. But she quickly recovered and put on a determined face. She marched into the living room where we all were gathered. The remaining potentials weren't even able to look directly at Buffy's, knowing that something ugly was about to happen.  
"Look," growled a seemingly upset Buffy. "I know I messed up and I'm deeply sorry for the casualties but this is war. More mistakes will be made and, unfortunately, more lives will be lost. I had to send you guys out to battle. I had to prepare you for the fight we are going to have to win. For the sake of the human race.  
"But that doesn't mean you send us out on suicide missions." shouted an irate Kennedy, shooting daggers at our "leader." "Kennedy." Willow replied with a soothing yet warning tone. "No Willow. We might not have liked you Buffy or completely agreed with your other decisions, but we respected you. And whether we trust you or not you have our lives in your hands. So I can't figure out for the life of me why you turn around and do something so bone-headed!"  
"Listen you little brat," snarled a defensive Buffy. "I've saved the world time and time again from every apocalypse that's come threatened it. You come out of nowhere and you have the nerve to talk to me like that? Go save the world then come back and try to talk to me like you're my equal!"  
Oh crap. Tell me she didn't just say that. Everyone in the room looks like they've just been slapped in the face by that comment. Well, Buffy finally voiced her feelings. Sadly, instead of saying how much she cares about us she tells us how superior she is to us.  
"Hey listen up, B. Just because you've seen more action on the field doesn't give you the right to talk down to the girls." Said as she stood up and walked toward Buffy in her patented "bad-ass" strut. "Hell, you've also seen more action with vampires but that doesn't make you good enough to hang on to Angel."  
I couldn't help it. I smirked. That comment knocked Buffy right off her high horse.  
"You bitch," seethed an irate Buffy. This is the most I've in her for a long time. "You don't know anything of my affairs and I refused to be judged by some leather clad hussy who should be in jail instead of here in MY town pretending to be someone she isn't. THE SLAYER!"  
That was it. I had to put my two cents in. "Oh shut up, Buffy. I'm tired of your holier-that-thou attitude." I yell voicing only a fraction of the frustration I feel toward her. "You can't justify what you did by telling us it was for our own good. You were impatient and your mistake cost us dearly." I explain as patiently as I can as I unconsciously touch the bandage over my now empty eye socket. "This is definitely not the time to be all superior."  
Buffy's wrath is now directed toward me and she glares at me with anger and pain in her eyes. Now she finally decides to notice me. "How could you Xander? After everything we've been through I expected you to be the most loyal. Hell, I even trusted you more than Willow, with the whole magic thing she can protect herself if she ever decides to get off her ass and use it." At that comment Will had to physically hold Kennedy back. "But you Xander," continued Buffy. " I saved you more times than anyone else and you betray me? How could you do this to me?  
I look at her completely bewildered and rightly pissed off. Before I can say another word Giles comes down the stairs looking even madder than me.  
" Buffy, you little ingrate." growled Giles looking more like the Ripper than I've ever seen. "How dare you say such things to people you once claimed as friends after your horribly pig-headed mistake!? If by some miracle these people still have even an ounce of respect for you after your careless job as leader a few nights ago, then you certainly lost it by your performance tonight. Your mother would be ashamed."  
"You of all people shouldn't be preaching to me the difference between right and wrong. You encouraged me to step up and take my troops to war without emotions or feelings. You even tried to kill Spike, one of our best fighters. If he hadn't been able to escape he would've died. Wouldn't that have been a terrible mistake on your part?"  
  
I look over at Spike to confirm this new revelation, but he only looks down, obviously embarrassed for Buffy's behavior.  
"That's enough." Willow stated with a calm yet demanding force that even got Buffy to shut her mouth. "Buffy, it's over. The girls no longer look at you as their leader. Your only choice now is to resign GRACEFULLY and try to show some respect to their new leader, Faith." "What?!" squawked Buffy. "You are going to have a murderer as your new leader? You trust a convict more than me?"  
  
"Buffy," sighed an exasperated Willow. " you may be the original Slayer, but you still have a lot of growing up to do. Maybe you still do need a Watcher."  
  
Wow. That was below the belt. Have I mentioned how much I love Willow?  
" You guys can't be serious. All of you can't be against me. Spike? "Sorry Slayer but when I got rid of this trigger I reevaluated my unlife and I'm my own man now. Your behavior is nothing short of disgraceful. It's one thing to treat me like dirt but these are your supposed friends."  
  
Woo-hoo Spike! Good for you! Way to get your "stones" back.  
  
"Damn you. And I thought I was falling for you." Cried Buffy with venom in her voice that rivaled The First's. "Dawn, you still love me, right?"  
  
Dawn stepped right to her sister and kissed her on the cheek. "I think you should leave Buffy." Said Dawn as she pulled away from her.  
  
Buffy looked at her with tears in her eyes. "No you get out. If I can' lead you guys then get the Hell out of my house. I refuse to fight with those who would so easily turn their backs on me!"  
  
"What!" a shocked Willow managed to squeak out while gaping. The rest of us were still trying to process what we had just heard. "But Buffy, you're the Slayer. Even if you aren't our general we still need you to fight along side us." Implored a completely rattled Giles. "Then you guys won't mind having me as your leader." Buffy replied in a matter-of-factly tone. "For the greater good, of course."  
  
I can honestly say that I have never hated someone more than I hate her now. Not Caleb. Not even Angel.  
"We'll talk about it in the morning." Said Buffy as she turned to go upstairs. "Goodnight." She called over her shoulder leaving us to stew in our own hate until we went to bed.  
Later That Night:  
After the night's earlier events, sleep was impossible so I decided to get something to eat. Unfortunately, a certain self righteous slayer decided to join me. "Hey Xander. I'm sorry about earlier but you have to understand that at one point you have to choose which your going to follow. Your reason or your emotions. And I chose reason." Explained Buffy. I groan inwardly as I remember The First's words. She moves to cup the side of my face where I lost my eye, but I move away. "Goodnight." Sighed Buffy and she left.  
  
After I was done, I went back to bed to see if I could fall into an uneasy sleep. AS I closed my door, I heard her voice. "My poor Alexander. She doesn't deserve you. She doesn't deserve any of you." Cooed Buffy/The 1st. " Now can't you see, Alexander? You can't win with her and you don't have a chance without her. Not with a Slayer who thinks so low of people she once called her friends." Persuaded Buffy/The 1st as she moved to stand in front of me. "Join me and together we will put her in her place. You really have no choice."  
  
I looked at her completely drained of all fight against her. Filled only with pain, anger, frustration, and most of all, sadness for Buffy Summers.  
"What do you want me to do.....Master?"  
R/R people PLEASEEEEEEE It's chicken soup for the soul!  
LOVE, Jaded316 


	5. Oblivion

(A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update. School and all. Well there's a change in plans people. I have one more chapter after this and possibly an epilogue. Thanks to those who reviewed even if you did a flame. No matter how asinine your comment may be I appreciate it. Hey I'm 15 what do you want? Maturity?*Joking* Seriously, thanks for reviewing. But don't give up on me. I plan to leave this story in the most unexpected and twisted way.(devilish smirk) You've been warn...

Xander's POV:

It's been two days since the "final defense of the world against the forces of evil" made the decision to keep Buffy as leader. And three days since I decided to join The First. Three days since I decided to betray my friends and betray mankind to an eternity of suffering and anguish.

My life is empty and unsettling with no peace in sight. During the day, I look my friends straight into their eyes and lie to them. Fortunately, every time I lie to them, sending them off into early graves, a peace of my soul dies, making my deception easier on what is left of my conscience. My nights are filled with dreams - no nightmares- of The First telling me about the "wonders" that are to come while saying sweet nothings in my ear. Telling me how all my pain will soon be over. At times I can't help but pity myself for falling for such a cliché reason as to want my pain to _finally_ end. But when I look into the mirror and think about how I _wasted_ seven years of my life on a fight that according to Buffy, isn't even mine, I can't help but seek relief - _ by any means necessary._

For seven years I've been under the impression that I was making a difference. Making the world a better place while helping my friends. I was a part of something unprecedented - A Slayer with friends and family. Ties to the world to give her mental and physical support. But the days of government designed, Frankenstein creatures with demon parts are long over. I remember when we all united that night to rip Adam's core out of his chest cavity. Ahhh.., good times. But now all that's left of us are emotionally worn shells of our former selves. Hoping for some sort of semblance of peaceful lives and happier times.

I wonder if Buffy even realizes how much of a bitch she is and how hurtful her words are to her supposed friends. Does she truly hate us for bringing her back from Heaven? In her subconscious does she despise us as much as I despise her? Or does her ill will toward her friends stem back even further. When she realized that we, her friends, were where her will came from. Why she was able to survive for so long and deny her the peaceful paradise that so many Slayers before her were rewarded with.

The 1st is almost as conceited as Buffy. The First truly believes that it's the reason why I have turned my back on my former friends. That it's so persuasive that no one no matter how morally sound and ethically stable could escape it's grasp and ignore it. All the person needs is a moment of true pain and heartache and It will be there. Ready to lure that person to damnation.

I think I understand why The First has never been able to gain the upper hand in the stalemate versus Good & Evil. Vanity is definitely one of the most fatal sins - even among the wicked. But this time The First is taking no chances. And with each passing day that Buffy stays on her "high horse" while being the _leader_ of the girls, they grow more and more distant, unraveling string by string like a worn tapestry.

As the others are out getting supplies and searching for any leads, I sit here relishing the raising the rare time when I only have myself to keep me company. The times between when I lie to my friends and I lie to The First to feed it's ever- growing ego. This precious time when I can lie to myself and tell myself that there is nothing more I can do but take the easy way out and sink into the oblivion I deserve.

"Ah Alexander, you're awake. Were you waiting up for me?"

Dammit. And now the demons in my head take form in the guise of Buffy/The First.

"Hello my dear Alexander. How are you today?" I turn away from her insincere question while trying to look as stoic as possible. If she sees even an ounce of guilt for my betrayal of my friends she will lash out at me, using her tongue as a proverbial whip. She will strip my body clean of any remain of a soul or conscience. "Alexander, listen to me." She moves to stand next to my bed where I am sitting on the edge. "You have everything it takes to become one of my best generals. Except for one itsy bitsy thing.." "A soul." I spit out bitterly. "Exactly" replies The First with a large. I roll my eyes at her giddiness. "Alexander, you had such a big heart. And you unselfishly opened it to the ones you called "friends", without question. Sadly, some of your friends took advantage of your love and loyalty. Like a certain arrogant Slayer whose name won't be mentioned. I'm getting sick of The First's trivial tirades. " I don't want to hear anymore about Buffy. I'm tired of hearing you repeat yourself. Why don't you try saying something of interest for once?" I yell with the frustration of having my anger battle my conscience over my betrayal of my friends. "You haven't asked me for information on their plans or to try in wreak havoc from within. What exactly do you want from me?!" "Shh Alexander, no worries." She says soothingly as she kneels to be face to face with me. "You'll know your purpose soon. All in due time my virtuous Alexander. I'm so sorry if my reiterating everything upsets you but I need to know that your ready. I will give you the peace you desire but you will have to pat dearly, little one." Her voice becomes a whisper as she leans in and kisses me. Even though I can't feel her, there's an overwhelming presence I feel when she's this close to me. I know it's definitely not love but for some odd reason it's not hate either. It just something to temporarily fill the void...

"Hey Xander I'm home and I'm gonna order a pizza what do you want on...Oh! Dawn was paralyzed, shocked at what she had walked in on.

Oh sh**...

R/R: Please 

A/N Cliffhanger Muwhahahaha! Anyway I'm going to warn you now that the next chapter will piss you off. Remember this is **ANGST & TRAGEDY** people!!! The next chapter and epilogue will be incredibly heavy. My goal is to not do what others expect, but to write a troubling and heartbreaking story. I love Xander but he's the character who really motivates me to write angst. **But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna make him bad.*Hint*** If you want something light-hearted go read my other fanfic, "The Wacky Adventures of The New Trio." Please....

**P.S.:** Oh yeah I put a review up so 4 those who bother to go there I have a spoiler for the next chapter in the review pages. In case you're interested...

Love, Jaded 316


	6. My Saving Grace

A/N: Well ladies & gentlemen here it is! The final chapter of my second fanfic ever and my first fanfic with more than one chapter. To all of you readers I'd like to say a special Thank you. And to all those who reviewed *especially positive reviews* I'd like to say thanks a lot. You know I love you guys! Anyway I uploaded the epilogue with this chapter so this is the end of "Corrupting the Heart of the Scooby Gang." Enjoy and thanks for reading!

Xander's P.O.V:

My chest constricted and a severe case of nausea overcame me as I watched Dawn process what she just witnessed. Please God, if you're up there and you really love me, then make Dawn believe that the actual Buffy had a lapse in sanity and kissed me. The look in Dawn's eyes became cold and hard telling me that   
I was in deep sh**. "Xander," Dawn began with enough venom in her voice to make an Ubervamp shutter. "Before I came home Buffy called and told me she was going to be late. So what in the HELL is that THING that has Buffy face?! What were you thinking?! We go to get supplies and I come back to see you coercing with the enemy!" In a split second Dawn's expression went from one of unbridled rage to one of hurt and betrayal. "How could you betray us, Xander?" Dawn questions with a plea in her voice, desperate for me to tell her that this is all just a bad dream. "How could you knowingly send your friends off to their graves?" Tears begin to sting at my remaining eye and before I can choke out an apology I see a smirk begin to tug at the corner of Buffy/The 1st's mouth and a gleam in her eye that was nothing less of unholy.

"Dearest Dawnie, don't you see that Xander feels just as betrayed as you are?" Her matter of fact tone is ringing in my ears as I watch her in horrified silence try to reason with Dawn. God please help Dawn resist this monster. "Everyone of us have been spurned by Buffy in one way or another Dawnie, but your mother tried to warn you, Dawnie. Don't you remember?" AS Buffy/The 1st whirled around to face Dawn she changed her guise to Dawn's deceased mother Joyce. My heart froze and sunk into the pit of my stomach as I witnessed The 1st try to corrupt the teenage girl.

"Don't you remember, Dawnie? I told you that when Buffy has to make a choice she won't pick you. She will choose only those she needs to win this war." Step by step, Joyce/The 1st inched her way towards Dawn until she was barely a foot away from her. Dawn stood there, paralyzed with tears streaming down her face. "You bitch." seethed Dawn through clenched teeth. " Dawnie, please listen to me." Implored Joyce/The 1st. "What Xander told you is right. You don't need superpowers to help. But if Buffy can't _use _ you to help her win _her_ war then she will not hesitate to leave you behind. I'm sorry, sweetie." As Joyce/The 1st finished, her voice almost sounded sincere. Millennia of acting practice I guess. Listening to Joyce/The 1st's twisted logic, I felt my rage slowly begin to take over. Anger because The First was trying to corrupt one of my best friends. Because I let her steal my soul and fill me with a hate unparallel to anything I ever felt in my life. And angry because I was just sitting on my ass while The First tried to damn Dawn.

"Dearest Dawn." crooned Joyce/The First. Her voice was eerily reminiscent of the way she said my name that night, in the hospital, when she first persuaded me to betray my friends. Being the odd man out of the conversation this time, I was able to hear just how twisted and disoriented her voice was. Just then it hit me like a stake to the heart. The First was the abomination of all things Good and right with the world. How ever few that may be. It's ultimate mission is to fill ever living thing on this planet, no matter how pure and righteous, with hate, anger greed, and whatever unholy sins it could purge the soul with. May God half mercy on whatever is left of my soul...

Dearest Dawnie, I'm sorry but your sister will not choose you. Look at Xander and those poor potentials who lost their lives because of Buffy's arrogance. And this isn't the first time her hastiness has almost got someone killed. When Glory sent the serpent to find you, The Key, Buffy blindly went to fight her instead of researching what she was and how to stop her. Because of this the serpent almost told Glory exactly _what_ you are and where to find you." Dawn's face was deathly pale and her cheeks were red from the tear stains. Although she was still silent, her body trembled from the force of her quiet sobs. " So do you see now, Dawn? To Buffy you are only an object of destruction as The Key. And seeing as you can't help her win _her_ war, ultimately expendable." Joyce/The First finished with a hint of nonchalance figuring that she had Dawn distraught enough that she wouldn't notice.

As I watched Joyce/The First raise her hand to cup Dawn's cheek my anger came to the forefront. I'm not sure exactly what made me the most angry. That I hadn't done anything sooner or that Dawn wasn't moving away from Joyce/The First's touch. But I can't be angry with Dawn for not resisting The First. For being only human and giving into her insecurities, doubts and fears. " NO! Dawn get the Hell away from her!" I yell with a vigor that my weary soul didn't possess. Anger will do that for you, though. Give you the energy you need in a desperate situation .Fortunately, Dawn has started to back away towards the door. "That THING does not care about you. It's only mission is to damn every single person to an eternity of suffering and torture." My voice is harsh and Dawn is visibly shaken to hear it come out of my mouth. A far cry from the loveable, Goofy Dander. " I'm so sorry that I betrayed you guys and if I could I'd take back what I did, but too much has happened and the pain in my heart won't let me forgive and forget. I've already chosen my fate, Dawn but it isn't too late for you. Get out of here, NOW!" Dawn runs out of my room in a blur of tears and disheveled, light brown hair. Joyce/ The 1st turns back around to face me but instead of appearing as Joyce, the borrowed face that The first is wearing now brings the faint taste of bile creeping its way up my throat. It now appears as my bestest friend besides Willow...Jesse. 

"Don't worry bro." replies Jess/The First with a grin so similar to Jesse's that my icy heart shattered into a million pieces. "Sooner or later I'll recruit Dawn and we'll be the Three Musketeers again." Jesse/The 1st broad smile sends shivers down my spine and I rush down stairs to make sure that Dawn gets as FAR away as possible.

Down stairs I find Dawn in complete disarray, trembling in the corner of the living room with a crossbow in hand. I inch my way slowly toward as I try to get her to get out of the house and find one of the others. " Dawn, please, you have to leave and find help. The First will try to con fuse you and turn you against the ones you love. "Like you?" Dawn's voice is hard and her eyes cold and accusing. "Yes, like me." Is all I can say back. My voice barely audible. " There you guys are." Interrupted The First, now back to wearing the face of Joyce. She moves past me, right through me, and for one brief moment I feel The First's energy. All the evil in the world. The memory of the feeling alone makes me yearn for oblivion even more. For a millionth of a second I contemplated letting The First take Dawn, knowing that I would be one step closer to the peace I seek. But when I saw Dawn's expression I knew I couldn't betray her. Although her face was hard and cold I also saw the lost and confused look in her eyes. I would NEVER let Dawn's soul be demolished.

"Dawnie, sweetie. just let go of your sister. She doesn't deserve you. She doesn't deserve any of you." The words she had first spoken to me stung in my ears and I felt for It more anger than I ever felt for Buffy. "Put your faith in me. Little one." Implored Joyce/The First. As Joyce/The First reached down to touch Dawn, I ran to do _something_ to stop It from touching Dawn, but timing and fate decided that I had suffered enough.

As I ran to keep Dawn from touching The First, Dawn, in a fit of rage, fired the crossbow. The arrow went straight through The First and into my chest. "Xander, NO!!!" Dawn's blood curdling scream brought me out of my state of shock as the pain started to overcome me and I fell to my knees and final fell to the ground. Dawn crawled to my side, crying and apologizing for killing me. I tried to tell her that I wanted death but I could only cough out blood as the darkness swallowed me. No, I couldn't leave without thanking Dawn. Without thanking my Saving Grace. But when I tried to speak no sound came out. "My poor Alexander." replied Joyce/The First with remorse in her voice. "I'm sorry this happened Dawn but now you have a choice to make. Stay with Buffy as a virtuously useless bother or join me and stand by my side. Don't let the pain that Buffy caused Xander happened to you. Unlike Buffy, I _appreciate_ you." 

I laid there, dying as I watched Dawn look at Joyce/The First. I tried to tell the Dawn not to trust That bitch but I soon couldn't move my mouth. AS the darkness swallowed me whole, I was sucked into oblivion with eternity to wonder one painful question:

Did I damn My Saving Grace?...

**THE END**

R/R: Please. It's STILL chicken soup for the soul. Or candy I'm not quite sure.

A/N: Well that's it people. The sad ending of Alexander Harris' story. Hoped you enjoyed it. Thanks to all those who reviewed. You know I love you. I'm sorry if you find this story to be too somber and heart aching, but I think that those are the kind of stories that stay with you.

Love, Jaded316


	7. From the Inside

Disclaimer: Still don't own any of the characters. And Linkin Park owns the song, From the Inside.

Summary: This chapter takes place two days after Xander's death. Willow is packing up Xander's stuff when she comes across a letter that Xander wrote explaining what led him to his tragic end.

// Are between the lyrics

Willow's P.O.V:

Two days ago I lost my best friend since kindergarten, Xander Harris. When Dawn explained to me that Xander had been in cahoots with The First, it took all of my self control not to yell out and call her a liar. To fall to my knees and let myself be taken over by the dark arts that flow through my body all of the time. How could I have not noticed the severe change in Xander's behavior? How could I let Xander down?

As I pack all of Xander' things away, I can't help but remember all the good times we had. First it was him, me, and Jesse, then it was him, me, and Buffy. I remember how I used to believe that we would live together happily ever after and how cute he looked doing the Snoopy Dance. I wish I hadn't been so caught up in my own demons, maybe I could have saved Xander like he saved me.

While cleaning out Xander's desk drawer, I find things that only the Goofy Xander would have stashed away. I find a few comics, a couple of Twinkies, and an old photograph of us. It has Him with Cordelia, me with Oz and Buffy. As I stare at the battered, old picture, a tear that I didn't even know I had shed fell unto it. " Sweet, loveable Xander." I whisper. "I'm sorry I let you down." Under the picture, I found a letter hand-written by Xander. I'd know his chicken scratch a mile away. I leaned back on Xander's bed and began reading:

Dear Former Friends,

I'm so sorry that I betrayed you. I didn't deserve your trust and I especially didn't deserve your love.

So much has happened over the past seven years. We have made many mistakes but we have been able to stick together. The only problem was that I wasn't being true to myself or to you guys. For a long time I have been bottling up my pain, my insecurities, and my doubts, taking living on the Hellmouth and fighting the forces of evil one day at a time. After seven years I began to think that I was important in this war against evil, that I was important to Buffy. That night in the vineyard brought me back to reality in the harshest way possible./ I don't know who to trust to no surprise

/(Everyone feels so far away from me)

Happy thoughts sift through dust and the lies

(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)

(Every time I try to make myself get back up off my feet)

(All the tiring time between)

(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)/

When Buffy's arrogance cost me my eye I didn't know what to do. Since I first learned about what goes "bump in the night" I've been fighting the good fight, I've had a purpose, someone to believe in. I began to think of Buffy as someone who was _divine_, who could do no wrong. When I lost my eye, my world shattered around me....and The First was there to pick up the pieces...

*Chorus*

/Take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you./

That night that we had our "intervention" for Buffy, I felt for her a rage I had never felt before in my life. Sitting there, listening to her belittle us, made me realize just how worthless I had been for the past seven years. The pain, betrayal, and tension in that room was enough to chill me down to my soul. Buffy's words were almost as bad as Caleb's maiming. Without a sense of purpose my days are long and restless and my nights full of nightmares created by my demons. The demons I created because I chose to blindly follow Buffy.

/Tension is building inside steadily

(Everyone feels so far away from me)

Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me 

(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)

(Everything I try to make myself get back up off my feet)

( All the tiring time between)

(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me)/

It's been so long since I've been honest with myself that after a while I didn't even notice how it effected me. How every time I let Buffy use me and run rough shot over all of us that I died a little inside. No matter how great things were going for me at the time I would still feel a heaviness on my heart. I was never completely sure about what it was but I knew that I would never find true happiness while it was there. The only true and constant thing in my life that I believed in with all my heart and soul was fighting side by side with my friends. I felt that winning the war was second and fighting evil was the most important thing. Apparently I was wrong because our _leader_ finds me more useless than I was before I lost my eye.

*Chorus*

/Take everything from the inside and throw it all away.

Cuz I swear for the last time I won't trust myself with you./

The First came along and for the first time in a very long time I felt appreciated. Even if it was fake, I felt _loved_. If your reading this I'm guessing that either the final bout hasn't come yet or that you guys won. Truthfully, I hope you guys won because I no matter what I still love you guys. If I had stayed with you guys then there was a chance I'd survive this war and wearily spend my days with this pain still inside of me. I couldn't take that chance. I'm sorry everyone but I need peace. I'm sorry that you've changed so much Buffy and that we weren't able to stop your decension into self superiority. A fate that will most likely alienate everyone around you and leave you alone and bitter. And most of all I'm sorry, Willow. Sorry that I wasn't strong enough to stay. And sorry that I made you the last of The Three Musketeers to survive Sunnyhell. You were the only real family I ever had, Wills. I love you.

Regretfully,

Xander Harris

I sat there for what seemed after forever after finishing the letter. Tears flowing freely from her eyes. " Sweet Goofy Xander." I choked out. "None of us truly deserved you. I hope you have found the peace you sought." And finally I let out the pain-filled cry that I had been holding in since I learned of the death of my brother, my first love, and my best friend, Alexander Harris.

/I won't waste myself on you

You

You

Waste myself on you

You

You/

R/R:  Please. I know its sad but I wanna know if it's well written

Thank you for reading.

Love, Jaded316


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